1. |
Song for AJ
05:55
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Old friend
Since when
Have you caught up with
all your ambitions?
I'm still proud of you
Maybe I just know you too well
Like in high school
You knew that you were cool
Smoking cigarettes by the public pool
My heart ached for you
Watching you light up your mother's Kools
So when ya go
To San Antonio
I hope that you find it’s a perfect home
Just remember who lost at the Alamo
Years slip
Away
When you live half a dozen states away
Hazy cross-sections
Don't do justice to the day-to-day
But knowing you,
You'll probably try to move
Somewhere you can stand
In some private truth
I'll try to keep up with your wild six-month swings in mood
I hear it now:
"I just can't stand this town!"
It's your choice if and when to settle down
Just don't build a life where you're forced to
Run from yourself
And I don't mean
To act like or to seem
Like I'm any sort of authority
It's just so easy
To get in the way of your own dreams
So anyway
I just wanted to say
Even if we don't talk that much these days
I'm so proud of you
I'm so proud of you
Buckle down, get your shit done, I'm proud of you
I'd kill to be a kid again
With you outside the shell station
A priori innocence and loitering
Time was an embarrassment
Our hopes and dreams were everything
Well here we are, is this what you imagined then?
AJ
I'm sure you'll be okay
I'm so proud of you, I'm so proud of you,
We took such different paths and I'm proud of you
And hey,
I'm just a call away
I'm so proud of you, I'm so proud of you
Be in touch bud, I love you, I'm proud of you
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I was an only child
And my parents taught me that I could do anything
So I wanna do everything!
Like learn to weld and learn to ski
And learn to write ethnographies
I care! (I guess!)
Sure all of this spilled ink is troubling
Maybe we're just writing in the sand
Chasing after scraps of credibility
In a world that's just too big to understand
So I reflect on my time in college
Till I almost can't breathe
For want of some kinda clarity
Assurances of who I should be
Potential selves I stole from books
And all the precious time it took
Oh well—what's next?
Daydreaming of doctorates in anything
Just to feel like I'm not sitting still
Sick from the alternative to publishing
As if that’s what I need—a degree?
Epistemology has me shaken
All the paths I could have taken
Never leave
I'm a code switching mess
Trying my best to believe
In any sort
Of suitable identity
I haven't touched a book in weeks
Am I a fraud? What's that make me?
A stranger at the very least
I've become my own key informant
A messenger of loss for things that mattered so much to me
They just won't go away quietly
My brittle faith, my outstretched hands
My aptitude for changing plans, for what? Yeah, for what?
All this time spent thinking knowledge was in some way noble
Learn to smile as if to say "trust me, I trust myself!"
In the absence of an education—curiosity
A degree is the last thing I need
I'm a stranger, loathe to declare any major, let me be
Reckless with my five-year plans and checklists
Let me be one big code switching mess
Trying my best to believe
Now I'm just old and tired,
Still struggling to find a life that makes sense to me
Or the meaning in anything
A stupid dream, a broken heart
I guess I’ll blame the liberal arts, oh well—
What’s next? What’s next? What’s next?
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